A question I am often asked by both our parents and teachers is how best to respond to children’s ‘big’ behaviour, such as anxiety, anger, aggression, acting up or confrontation.  And, although there is no one-size-fits all answer, and I am not an expert in each and every child, I certainly concur with Australian psychologist and therapist Karen Young, who suggests we should think of ‘big’ behaviour like smoke from a fire we can’t see. 

The fire is often that a brain has registered some thought of threat, and needs to be brought back to feel a sense of safety. The question isn’t therefore, ‘How do I stop the smoke?’ but, ‘What’s causing the fire, and how can I help douse its flames, or put it out?’  We will only have a limited effect if we only deal with the behaviour, perhaps with some sort of sanction, rather that its underlying cause.

The ‘threat’ that is felt by the brain isn’t about what is actually safe or not safe. It’s about what the brain perceives. For any of us, ‘threat’ might be anything that comes with any risk at all (real or perceived) of missing out on something important, separation from friends or parents or their ‘people’, judgement, humiliation, failure, disappointment or disappointing their important people, interruption, waiting, unfairness or loss, or even a challenge to our self-esteem.

‘Threat’ can also be biologically driven (e.g. sensory overload, pain, exhaustion, feeling hungry, or the perception of possible physical danger), or relational (e.g. not feeling valued, feeling replaced, not feeling welcome, feeling side-lined, feeling disconnected from someone important).  Even as adults, we still spend a great deal of time worrying about matters that are merely our take on events, or events that are unlikely to happen – to some extent we all live in our futures.  As Seneca affirmed, “We suffer more often in imagination than reality.”

Children have the added impact of nervous systems that are far from fully developed, of course. When their brains have a felt sense of threat, they may well swiftly organise bodies for fight (this can look like tantrums, aggression, irritation, frustration), flight (can look like avoidance, ignoring, turning away, confrontation) or freeze (can look like withdrawal, hiding, defiance, indifference, aloofness). 

Thinking about anxiety, and indeed anger, our priority is to support our children back to a felt sense of safety. We can do this most powerfully through relationship and connection. Then, when their brains and bodies are back to calm, then our words can have have an effect: ‘What happened?’ ‘What can I do to help?’ ‘What can you do?’ ‘I know you didn’t want this to happen, but here we are. How can you put this right? Do you need my help with that?’ ‘Do we need to ask anyone else for support?’ ‘What do we need to change to ensure this does not happen again?’

As teachers who care deeply for our pupils and as parents we might be hindered in supporting them by our own biological responses.  Hence, when our children are in distress, we might also go into fight or flight. This is a very normal response and happens for an important reason. It happens to make sure our bodies are physiologically ready to protect them, should they actually be in danger. The brain doesn’t care that they aren’t actually in danger. It will ready us, just in case. This means that our own fight or flight response might see us wanting to fight with them (which is why their anger, frustration, irritation, anxiety might drive the same in us), or flee from them (by walking away, ignoring), or taking on their perceived reality and seeking to confront their threat head on. This is not bad parenting or teaching. It’s a really normal response from a brain that is readying us for ‘fierce protector’ mode, just in case. The problem isn’t necessarily the response, but that there can be no actual threat for us to deal with in that moment – just a young brain that feels like there is.

If we can summon the resources, we are far better responding to big behaviour with relationship and role modelling, at least initially.  This does not mean we are ‘rewarding bad behaviour’, nor does it not mean that we should not intervene. Far from it. What we are actually doing is bringing the child’s brains back to a learning-ready state so they can be open to our guidance and influence. The brain can only learn when it has a felt sense of safety. Supporting our children to feel secure and cared for in the moment brings them back to calm and felt safety. It lets us be guided by our composed mind, too, and brings us back to what discipline was always meant to be about – to teach, not just to punish.

So, we have at least some choice as adults working as a team around each child.  We can adopt a calm and measured approach and role model the behaviour and response we would like them to develop, or we can join them in their fight or flight state, dealing only with their surface behaviour rather than its underlying causes.  When we encounter big behaviour, whether a child is in distress, or acting up, we are often advised to, “Take a deep breath”, and try to remember they are looking to us for safety, security, to model how to respond, and a clear message that any situation can be dealt with and improved.

Consequently, as a school we do have clear policies that set out our well-defined response to poor behaviour, for example, but we also want to work with you closely to consider the causes behind a child’s anxiety, unhappiness, withdrawal, etc. 

At All Hallows, we want to work in partnership to try to put out the flames, not just waft away the smoke. 

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