I have been dipping in and out of psychotherapist Philippa Perry’s new tome, ‘The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read’ this week.  Though I have yet to have the time to delve into it properly, Perry’s writing has inspired, unsettled and annoyed me in equal measure.  Although benevolently written and easy to read, it is not a book that can be consumed passively.  Each section contains exercises that, “may make you upset, make you angry, or even make you a better parent,” forewarns the book.  We are incited to search our own childhoods, “find the sore spots and jab at them with exploratory fingers, before scrutinising our own reactions to our children” – or any children.

What I liked is that Perry’s book is about relationships.  Relationships that we nurture and in which we invest, that sometimes come at a cost and that pay dividends, even if we do not see them immediately.  As with all relationships, they are interactive, transactional and unique.  I was also provoked by some of the core tenets of the book, particularly the notion that if you experience a strong emotion in response to something your child does, you are probably reacting to something in your own past rather than their behaviour.  Is this really always the case?

Whilst Perry’s book will no doubt make me think and may improve my understanding, I am always deeply sceptical when someone suggests that they have all the answers about how to raise young people, or that a single perspective provides the ‘whole truth’ about a matter.  As humans, we are incredibly complex.  It is a key part of what makes my job so interesting.  Our thinking and behaviour is the result of such powerful forces as our genes, our biology, our past experiences and our present environment, all of which interact differently at different times and in different contexts.  As such, I rarely subscribe to a ‘one-size-fits-all’ approach to parenting, child development or education.  There is seldom a right way to do something and if we are all doing our absolute best for the young people in our care as parents and educators, do we not need to be kind to ourselves, forgive our mistakes and imperfections, and continue to strive for the best-fit for our individual families and schools?